


I'd be happy as hell if you stayed for tea

by stanthemhard



Series: Fold your hands into mine [1]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode: s19e19 Sunk Cost Fallacy, F/F, Flashbacks, Fluff, Happy Ending, Post-it Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:54:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27807139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stanthemhard/pseuds/stanthemhard
Summary: Olivia comes home after a rough day at work. She reminisces about her past with Alex and contemplates their future together.
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Series: Fold your hands into mine [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2063700
Comments: 9
Kudos: 47





	I'd be happy as hell if you stayed for tea

**Author's Note:**

> TW : minor mention of rape; violence and blood

When she finally makes it home, it’s late, very late. Or maybe it’s very early, but then she doesn’t really know – or gives a damn as a matter of fact. She stopped checking the time on her phone a long time ago.

She drops her bag onto the floor, and it hits the ground with a thud. She feels the sound ricochet against the walls, filling the silence that surrounds her. She freezes for a few seconds, listening carefully, and she picks up on the dishwasher’s soft rumbling in the kitchen. It falls into rhythm with her heartbeat. Slow. Tired. 

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath. That’s when the exhaustion finally kicks in, the exhaustion she has been fighting back for the last few hours. She can feel her eyes burning, her limbs going weak. She leans against the blue armchair behind her, and she sits there for a few minutes, with her thoughts swirling inside her head, flickering with a blinding loudness. She tries to make them stop, she wants to make them stop, but the gruesome images won't fade away. Her hands bawl into tight fists, her fingernails digging deep inside the delicate skin of her palms, and she can feel the tension building up in her chest, the uncomfortable and familiar feeling overwhelming her. She lets out a shuddering breath, as she squeezes her eyes shut. Maybe if she squeezes them hard enough, the thoughts will go away at last. They don't. She shakes her head feeling the headache slowly creeping up the back of her skull, she tries once again to scare away the horror, but she knows it's useless. No matter how hard she tries, the images never go away. 

She’s pulling her boots off when she notices the small note on the piece of furniture in the entrance. She sits up just enough to grab it and immediately recognises the handwriting. A tired smile spreads across her face as she traces the words with the tip of her index. Beautifully formed letters with a slight tilt to the right. A handwriting she will never get tired of reading. A handwriting that holds so much of her past heartbreaks and the potential of a happy future.

_“ **Food is in the fridge, towel and pyjamas are in the bathroom. I hope everything went ok. Come kiss me goodnight before you go to sleep XO**.”_

Olivia carefully folds the note and slips it into the back pocket of her jeans. She sits up and takes her coat off, hanging it on the coat hanger by the front door. With her gun still holstered to her belt, she makes her way to the kitchen, and opens the fridge to find a glass Tupperware, a yellow post-it sticked to it. _“ **For Mama** ”,_ _she reads._

She takes the post-it and closes the fridge. She’s not hungry. Not tonight. Not after the day she had. She opens one of the cupboards and takes a glass out, pours herself some water from the bottle on the counter. She turns and leans against it, post-it still in one hand. From where she’s standing, she can see Noah’s muddy shoes in the entrance.

 _He went to the park after school_.

She smiles as her gaze shifts to the couch. There’s a blanket spread on one side, an empty mug of what she knows is black coffee and a small stack of files on the coffee table. She knows what the files are about, she knows the secrets they hold, the lives they will save. She's glad things turned out the way they did.

She absently traces the words on the post-it as she stares into nothingness. She can feel herself drift away, her mind going elsewhere, somewhere it shouldn't be going. She feels the darkness creeping up the counter, opening its arms wide, summoning her to fall into its cold embrace. She clings on to the dim glow of the kitchen's lamp, to the distant flicker of the streetlights. She pulls herself out of reach, laboriously pushing the darkness away until she embraces the city’s never-ending commotion. 

New York City, the city that never sleeps. Sometimes she feels that she too never sleeps. Nightmares waking her up in the middle of the night, cold sweat at the base of her spine, a cry stuck at the back of her throat and the dreadful feeling that someone is pushing her down onto the bed, pushing so hard against her chest she cannot breathe. And when she's not haunted by nightmares of a missing Noah or of a perp she helplessly fails to catch, she’s working. Case after case, the next one always worse than the one before, she listens to the victims, takes in their statement, make sure they feel safe and taken care of. Sometimes she wishes she had never taken this job, she wishes she could forget all the horrors she’s witnessed over the years; but then she would have never become Noah’s mother, and she knows damn well that she couldn’t live a day without the boy.

She sets her glass in the sink and leaves the kitchen, turns the light off on her way out. Darkness creeps back, and this time she fails to push it away. It clings to her, cold and sticky. She tries to fight it back but it's too late. Darkness overpowers her, infiltrating her mind, poisoning her heart. Bits and pieces of today’s case flash before her eyes. Sharp and vivid, as if someone were pointing a flashlight right at her. Silence is replaced by noise, a shrill ringing that sends her crashing into the wall. She presses the heels of her hands hard against her eyes, but it only makes it worse, the boy's face imprinting itself deeper inside her closed eyelids. She sees him covered in blood, his eyes wide open, unable to speak. He's not much older than Noah, and he’s holding tight onto Rollins as she carries him out of the flat.

Rollins was the one who found him. He was hiding behind the large wardrobe in his parents’ bedroom. The mother is missing, and the father is in the hospital. Blunt force trauma to the head, stab wound to the chest, but the doctors later tell her he will be fine. She hears Carisi say that the child was lucky he wasn’t harmed. No apparent _physical_ wounds Carisi, she tells him, because she knows that the child is traumatised. It will take him months, probably years before he'll be able to get over what happened. Olivia knows all too well about it.

She takes a tour of the flat, going through each room trying to find something that could help them. There are signs of a struggle. A blood spatter on one of the walls in the living room as well as some broken furniture. Olivia knows they must act fast; the mother's life is at stake. Problem is, they don’t have much of a lead. Rollins thinks the child can help. Maybe he saw something? Maybe he can ID the perp? Olivia goes with it. It’s not like they’ve got much of a choice.

The boy – Joshua – will only speak to Rollins, and he keeps asking her where his mother is. If Olivia’s being honest, she’s happy she's not the one in the room with the kid. She’s not sure she can handle his distress, not when the resemblance to her Noah is so striking.

It’s been hours, twelve hours if she’s not mistaken, before they find something. Actually, it was Fin who did. A car got a ticket while stationed in front of the boy’s building at the time of the attack. It matches the description given by some of the neighbours.

They find the perp’s address rather quickly, but Olivia knows the mother will not be there.

 _They never are_.

And of course, she's right. He must have taken her somewhere else, she hears Carisi shout when the search of the perp’s flat is over. Look for a storage unit or a secondary residence, she tells him.

When they finally find the mother, she’s unconscious. She has a pulse but it’s weak, so weak Olivia thinks she won’t make it out alive. Rollins and Carisi arrest the perp before he can get too far away. Two shots are fired. One by the perp, and it misses Carisi about an inch. One by Rollins, hitting the perp right in the shoulder. It’s a clean shot, the bastard will survive, and Rollins will be cleared.

They discover another body in the cabin. They make the link with an old case and Olivia makes sure the family is informed. She rides with the mother to the hospital. The medics tell her what she already knows: she was raped and physically abused. Her head was bashed many times against what Olivia guesses was a wall.

The mother is taken to the OR straight away. The doctors suspect a swelling to her frontal lobe, and they have to operate. Olivia waits with Fin in a cold and sterile waiting area. They wait until the mother is finally stable and placed under an artificial coma, and at this point she lost count of how many _"fucks"_ she muttered and coffees she drank. The doctors are confident the mother will make it, and she feels a wave of relief wash over her. The mother, of course, will have to undergo physical as well as emotional therapy, and the road to recovery will not be an easy one. Fin thanks the doctors and pats Olivia's shoulder. She pulls him into a light hug, and Fin hugs her back.

The perp’s is easy to interrogate. Carisi pushes him around a little, and he's quick to confess. Rollins calls the new A.D.A while Fin contacts child services to let them now about the perp's arrest. Once their man has agreed to plead guilty on all four counts of murder, rape, assault and kidnapping with intention of harming, Olivia sends her team home. She makes sure Rollins takes the next day off to spend it with her kids.

Fin catches up with her as she’s about to leave. He insists on driving her back to her flat. She accepts, grateful not to have to take the subway. Thanks Fin, she tells him when he pulls over in front of her building. No problem Liv, he replies with a tired smile.

She’s in front of his bedroom door before she can fully register what she’s doing. She opens it, just enough so she can see his little sleepy face. She leans against the door frame and stares at him. She can tell by the way he’s positioned, that Noah is firmly holding onto his blue elephant, and she can’t help but smile at the sight of his messy curls spread out on his pillow.

She hesitates for a second. Should she go in and kiss him goodnight? What if she wakes him up? She’s interrupted by the soft ruffle of bare feet coming her way. Seconds later, strong arms wrap themselves around her waist and soft lips kiss her temple. Olivia melts into the embrace and lets herself relax for a second. She holds onto the post-it, carefully, trying not to crumple it.

She never throws them away. The notes, I mean. She keeps them inside a small tin box by her nightstand, just like she keeps all of Noah’s drawings and scribbles. A new habit of hers that started a few months after Noah turned three and kept giving her drawings, he had made for her. She started doing the same with Alex’s notes when the blonde came back about a year ago. She keeps everything, even the shopping lists, she keeps them as a reminder of Alex’s presence. She often finds herself sitting on the floor at the foot of her bed, going through them, reading them sometimes aloud, sometimes in her head. She reads them to soothe the burning sensation that fills her up every time she wakes up from a nightmare. She reads them to remind herself that Alex is back, that Alex is hers and that she’s Alex’s. When Alex picked up on Olivia’s new habit, she started leaving more notes. A ‘ ** _Have a nice day_** ’ sticked to Olivia’s favourite mug, a ‘ ** _You are looking great today’_** sticked to the mirror in the bathroom, a **_‘Sleep well my love’_** sticked to her nightstand. Olivia keeps them all, her face beaming with joy every time she finds one.

They hadn’t seen each other in a little over 6 years. Olivia was now a lieutenant and mother to a baby boy, while Alex had become an ‘Angel’ and helped battered women escape their abusive households. The shock when she had recognised Alex on that parking lot! It was like being sucker punched, and the air had left her lungs all at once. She had to grip the dashboard, grip it tight until she felt her knuckles turn white. She was afraid she might be dreaming. She could feel her cheeks burn and her stomach flip. A turmoil of emotions washing over her, and she couldn't hold back the loud gasp that escaped her lips. She tried to pull herself together as she was getting out of the car, but having Carisi next to her – poor thing – was not helping. Talking to Alex felt even more surreal. Olivia quickly came to understand that the case was a mess and having to work hand in hand with Alex surely didn’t make things easier. Olivia testifying against Alex was the last straw, and the inevitable fight broke. They should have seen it coming from a mile away. Too much had been left unsaid.

_“You could have lied, Liv!”_

_“No, I couldn't have. I was under oath.”_

_“And what? You thought God would smite you? It is a fiction, Olivia. This entire "tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth" is a load of crap that we tell people so that they think the criminal justice system gives a damn about them. Who did what, who did what to whom…”_

_“What happened to you?”_

_“I opened my eyes. I opened them wide, and I saw that for 12 years, I was a cog in a holier-than-thou wheel, and the wheel just keeps spinning and tossing off bodies as it goes. Some remain standing, some fall. Nobody cares. Nobody gives a damn, as long as the wheel keeps turning.”_

_“Alex… You can’t just take justice into your own hands like that. You can’t break the law otherwise it makes you a criminal. That’s not who you are!_

_“How would you know, Liv. I changed the moment they took me away all these years ago. You don’t know me anymore.”_

_“You’re right. I don’t.”_

Their relationship hadn’t always been that complicated, that painful. They had been in love once upon a time, before Alex was brutally taken away from Olivia not once, but twice. Then Alex had worked on and off for SVU, replacing Kim Greylek, replacing Sonya Paxton, taking a leave of absence so she could join the prosecutor's office of the International Criminal Court. Alex would vanish and reappear, again and again and again, never saying when she would leave or when she would be back. And in the many years that went by after Alex’s second return to New York, Olivia had learned the hard way that the Alex Cabot she had once loved, no longer existed.

As of then, their relationship had only deteriorated. Discussions that were not work related were avoided, every one-on-one encounter only happened in the presence of a third party. Both of them could no longer cope with the pain brought by years of heartbreak, separation, and unspoken feelings. Alex still struggled with the trauma of her numerous lives in Witness Protection, and Olivia needed to focus on building a life of her own. With Elliot gone, her job was the only thing she had left, and Olivia needed a life that was about more than rape and sexual assaults. So, when she learned that Alex had resigned from the D.A’s office, Olivia knew that she had to move on. Raising Noah had helped. Dating not so much. The ghost of Alex’s touch, of Alex’s love always lingered between herself and her new lover, and the breakups were inevitable. Of course, Alex was never mentioned.

Ironically enough, things stared shifting between them when the case they were working on took a turn for the worse. With Jules dead in what was ruled as a hit-and-run, Nick was granted custody of Ruby.

 _“And the wheel goes round”_ , Olivia heard herself say.

 _“That’s what I’ve been saying”_ , Alex answered.

They walked side by side, their shoulders brushing slightly. They fell into a steady rhythm as they made their way down the street. Olivia had agreed to meet Alex after the news of Jules’s death. She wasn’t quite sure why she was here. Being with Alex, near Alex was exhaustingly painful. But Alex was Alex, and Olivia couldn’t say no to her. Alex looped her arm around Olivia’s and pulled her closer. The motion felt so familiar, so easy. Olivia could have sworn they had jumped back 10 years into the past.

 _“I could never do what you do, Alex”_ , she whispered.

_“And I can’t stop…”_

_“I know…”_ she paused, hesitating a little. Should she ask her? Should she put herself through this pain again? Before she could stop herself, she asked: _“When are you leaving?”_

_“I’m not. I’m staying. I thought about what you told me the other day. I’m not a criminal, I shouldn’t be a criminal for helping these women. I’ve been working on an idea of program, a Witness Protection program but for battered women. I called Hammond this morning and he’s on board. That’s why I wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you in person.”_

_“That’s… Alex, that’s great!”_

_“It’s not official yet, it’s still a work in progress but I think it will work.”_

At this point they had stopped walking and Alex was still holding Olivia’s arm. She stared at her, her fierce blue eyes searching for Olivia’s familiar warm brown eyes. When their gazes met, everything around them stopped. It was as if they were in another dimension, as if nothing else existed. It was Fire and Ice. Warmth and Cold. They fit so perfectly together. "You two, you're like soulmates. You'll find your way back to one another", Elliot had once told her. But Elliot wasn't there anymore. He had left, left her behind like Alex had done so many times before. And even though things were different now, even though they had both changed, they had both aged and matured, Olivia was unsure. Could they really find their way back to one another? Could they really love each other again?

 _“I miss you”_ , Alex whispered.

_“I miss you too.”_

_“I know I’ve hurt you. A lot. I also know I don’t want to be a stranger to you. I want us to start over, get to know eachother again. If you want this too, of course.”_

_“Alex… I…”_

_“Look, you don’t have to give me an answer straight away. Think about it and call me to let me know. I’ll wait.”_

And it was all it took for Olivia to hope again. Hope that maybe they stood a chance, even the slightest of chances, of making it work again. So she pulled Alex into a tight hug, blonde hair tickling her cold face. Strong arms wrapped themselves around her waist and she tightened her grip around Alex’s neck. She smelled of lavender and coffee. At least this hasn’t change, she thought. Alex was the first to pull away. _“Call me, okay?”_

_“I’ll call you. Take care.”_

_“You too.”_

“Hi there…” Her voice is barely above a whisper. The voice of someone who has just woken up. Olivia’s hands reach for Alex’s. She can feel the warmth radiating from the blonde’s skin, and as their fingers intertwine, Olivia can feel herself breathe with a little more ease.

“Hi… I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“It’s fine, I wasn’t sleeping”, Alex pauses for a few seconds. “Rough day, uh?”

Olivia simply nods. She tightens her grips around Alex slim fingers and closes her eyes. The young boy’s face slowly fades away until she can only see pitch black. Alex’s thumb brushes a few times over knuckles, and it sends jolts through Olivia’s body. She feels the familiar warmth spread inside her chest, swirling inside her ribs up to her heart. It chases the darkness away, fights it back until it’s completely gone, until she can hear Noah’s laughter and picture Alex’s loving blue eyes. _I’m home, I’m safe, I’m loved_ , she tells herself.

They stay like this for what seems like ages, time completely forgotten, Alex with her head on Olivia's shoulder as they both lean into the touch. “I’m going back to bed." Alex breaks the silence first. She kisses Olivia on the cheek. "Take as much time as you need, okay?”

“Okay”, Olivia manages to whisper back. Alex gently pulls away and Olivia immediately misses her touch. She wraps her arms tightly against her torso, a faint attempt to keep herself together. She can feel the tears welling up and her throat tightening. She can feel the headache slowly growing, now on the verge of exploding as she fights hard to contain a loud sob, and she has to muffle her cry in both sleeves of her jumper.

Noah stirs in his sleep, his little figure burring itself deeper into the covers. Right before he disappears under the thick fabric, Olivia catches one last glimpse of his face. A small smile illuminates his features, and it makes Olivia’s heart ache a little less. She wipes her tears away and slowly closes the door. She makes her way to the bathroom and is quick to undress. She takes a long and hot shower, washing away all of her anger and pain. She finds a set of freshly pressed pyjamas next to the radiator. An old flannel shirt that belongs to Alex and a pair of boxers. Once she’s in the bedroom, she makes sure both Alex’s note and Noah’s post-it are in the tin box by her nightstand before she slips under the covers next to Alex. The bed is warm, comforting. Alex reaches out for her and wraps her arms around her waist. She pulls Olivia in closer and Olivia settles her head against the blonde’s chest. They lay there in silence as outside the sun slowly rises. Alex plays with a loose strand of Olivia’s hair, and now and then, she places soft kisses on the brunette’s forehead.

“When do you have to be in today?”

“I told Fin and Carisi to clock in after noon, and that so would I. I also gave Rollins her day off so she could spend it with her kids.”

“A child went missing?”

“His mother did. The kid witnessed the attack and the rape. He would only talk to Rollins. He kept asking where his mother was. He looked so much like Noah. It was tough…” Her voice trembles, and she fights back the urge to cry again. She feels Alex fingers stop for a second before they go back to stroking her hair.

“Did you catch the guy?”

“We did. He’s facing life sentence.”

“Good. And the mother?”

“She barely made it out.”

“And you, how are you?”

Her breath itches at the question. She plays with the hem of Alex’s t-shirt, trying to find a suitable answer.

“I’m exhausted. But I’m also happy I finally made it home. I missed you. Now, tell me about your day with Noah.”

“I woke him up at 7 o’clock like you said, we had breakfast together then I took him to school. Along the way we talked about his ballet classes and he showed me a few moves. I picked him up again at 3.30 and we went to the park. I had to stop by my flat to get some files so I could work a little tonight. -Oh, by the way, Hammond called. The Marshals are onboard with the project, which I already knew but at least it’s official now."

Olivia titles her head up and gives Alex a warm smile. "That's great babe, I'm happy for you." She kisses her neck and traces the blonde's collarbone with her index. She motions sends jolts through Alex's body. She closes her eyes for a few seconds, enjoying the touch of Olivia's soft hands against her pale skin. "Thank you", she answers. "Anyways, once we were home, we did a bit of homework and later he insisted on helping me cook. He brushed his teeth for exactly 3 minutes” she chuckles “and he was fast asleep by 8.30.”

“Thank you so much. For taking care of him, I mean.”

“It was my pleasure, Liv. This kid is a sweetheart. I’d keep him any day, and you know how uncomfortable I usually am around kids!”

“I know”

They both chuckle.

“He likes you very much, you know. Every time you’re not around, he asks me when you’re coming.”

They fall silent again. Alex’s hand still in Olivia’s hair, now gently massaging the base of her skull. Olivia eyes flutter close, and she relaxes at the touch. She’s so tired she could fall asleep, but she fights the urge to drift away. She’s been waiting for this moment all day, to be in Alex’s arms, to have Alex play with her hair, to have Alex kiss her.

“Did you find my note?” Alex asks quietly.

“I did. It’s in the box with all the others. I also took Noah’s post-it” Olivia smiles. She props herself up on one elbow and kissed the tip of Alex’s nose. “I’m so lucky to have you both.”

“No, I’m the lucky one”, Alex reaches for Olivia’s face and cups it with both her hands. She leans in and presses her lips against Olivia’s forehead.

“-I” Alex whispers as Olivia feels her soft, plump pink lips kissing down her jawline, reaching for her neck before going back to her face. “I’ve never been happier in my life. No one has ever made me this happy, Liv. You know what I mean?”

Olivia nods, her eyes welling up with tears, “I’ve haven’t been this happy in a long time either. Elliot told me to give it time, to give us time. I didn't believe him, and when he left... I’m glad I was wrong.” Alex’s head rests against her own as she continues. “And I’m so glad I called.”

“I’m glad I asked you to.”

Both women hold each other as they laugh. Olivia can smell Alex’s perfume and closes her eyes, savouring the lavender and coffee scent as she feels Alex’s slim fingers slid up her bare back under her shirt. She titles her head up and kisses Alex’s neck, causing the blonde to moan with satisfaction. She pushes herself up a little more until her face is at the same level as Alex’s. She traces the outline of Alex’s cheekbone with her fingertips and presses gentle kisses to the blonde’s face. She starts with her forehead, then her nose, she kisses her cheeks, her chin and suddenly, she stops. Their gazes meet in the rising sunlight, and the corner of Olivia’s lips quirks up. She smiles with malice in her eyes.

“Stop teasing.” Alex says, her voice low as her hands tighten their grip around Olivia’s waist.

“I’m not teasing. I’m taking in the moment.” She studies Alex’s face and Alex studies hers. It’s Alex who breaks first. She presses her lips against Olivia’s, closing her eyes shut as she does so.

The kiss is nothing like the ones they have shared over the years. It’s slow. It’s sweet. It carries both their pain and their hopes. Their hopes of a future together, of a life full of love and happy moments. A life in which Alexandra Cabot feels herself, utterly and fully herself again; a life in which Olivia Benson feels unconditionally loved and cherished. The kiss is savoured over moments that seem to last forever as Alex pulls Olivia in closer.

The kiss is a silent promise, a vow neither of them will ever dare, will ever want to break. Alex isn’t going anywhere, and for the first time in years, Olivia knows they have all the time in the world. Which means that it is quite a while before one of them finally draws back. When they finally do, Alex rests her forehead against Olivia’s with her fingers tangled in Olivia’s hair. Lips swollen, cheeks flushed, they stare at each other, eyes dark with desire.

They kiss again, it's shorter this time, more chaste but it still carries the weight of their love. Alex tastes of mint toothpaste and Olivia smells of almond soap. When they break apart again, Olivia pulls Alex into a tight hug. She kisses her neck, kisses her shoulder. Alex's skin is warm, soft, and it burns Olivia's lips, but she doesn't stop. She cannot stop. Alex sits up, wraps Olivia's legs around her waist and buries her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. She leaves a trail of wet kisses, and only stops once she reaches Olivia's ear.

“I love you so much", she whispers. "And these three words are not even enough to express how I feel.”

“I know” Olivia answers. She draws back a little and tucks a loose strand of blonde hair behind her lover’s ear.

Her lover.

_My lover._

“I feel the same way about you”, she says beaming with joy, and she leans in to kiss Alex on the lips.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed this fic! Feedbacks are always happily welcomed


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